Karyl McBrideKirja-arvosteluja

62000

This book was recommended to me, and I personally thought it was okay. It's broken down into three, digestible parts: what is narcissism and how does it manifest in the family? What can happen to the daughters of narcissistic mothers? Finally, how do you heal from a narcissistic mother? Throughout the book, McBride litters anecdotes from cases she has handled that illustrate the breadth of the topic, as well as grounding it so that readers can identify themselves and their families in them.

I think this book is an interesting starting point for narcissism. I just wish it went into more detail about how family dynamics are affected by a narcissistic parent. There wasn't any mention of a favorite or golden child versus a scapegoat. The child's temperament seemed to broken down into two absolutes: you're either an over-achiever or a self-saboteur. It didn't feel like there was a lot of nuance in how the child could develop with a narcissistic parent.

There was also very little on how the non-narcissistic parent might enable or soften the narcissistic behavior and what effect those reactions have on children. There was a line or two from McBride stating that what separates an over-achiever from a self-saboteur was whether or not someone loved and supported them, but this relationship isn't explored any deeper than that.

Finally, I think this book left out a lot about guilt that daughters feel towards narcissistic mothers. Sure, it's taboo to say you don't like your mother, and that is addressed in the book. What I thought was lacking was the discussion around the fact that the mother isn't always displaying her narcissistic side. People are complex, and even these kinds of mothers have their tender moments, so there can be a guilt wrapped up in being unhappy because daughters know their mother isn't always "like that", even while their emotional needs aren't being met.

Overall, I thought this was a decent start to the introduction of narcissism in parenting. Admittedly, I am still trying out the healing part at the end, so I can't speak to how helpful that technique is yet, but it was the section I had the least issue with, so I only glossed over it here.

I was raised by a mother who was possibly somewhat narcissistic (definitely neglectful) and I later became the resentful (and soon, permanently absent from home) teenager of a stepmother who was so extreme on the narcissism scale that she ticks all the buttons on the "is your mother a narcissist?" scale and most of the "sociopath" scale as well (that one's in a different book). The fact that the sociopath scale is in a different book hints that this book is not really for the person, like my sister, who spent 7 childhood years enduring a bizarre narcissistic hell that was never, ever spoken of until decades later. However, I'll ask her if she wants to read it.

I read this book on the recommendation of a friend who wanted to show me how she had suffered due to her narcissistic mother.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get much out of the book, probably because though I felt emotionally ignored, not seen or understood by my own mother, evidently she was not narcissistic.

The author lists nine traits of a narcissistic personality, 1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance 2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, etc 3) believes that he or she is special 4) requires excessive admiration 5) has a sense of entitlement 6) takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 7) lacks empathy 8) is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him/her 9) shows arrogance.

These traits are exhibited through behaviour that says “It’s all about me” and “You’re not good enough”.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother feels unloved - “If my own mother can’t love me, who can?”

Karyl McBride has identified six types of narcissistic mothers, which she calls “the six faces”.

These are 1) the flamboyant 2) the accomplishment-oriented 3) the psychosomatic 4) the addicted 5) the secretly mean and 8) the emotionally needy.

We are given innumerable case histories/examples of women who have suffered due to narcissistic mothers, so the reader gets a clear picture of the problems involved.

I didn’t get through the whole book since I didn’t find it relevant to myself. But I can see the final chapters are devoted to advising daughters of narcissistic mothers on how to recover. I don’t know, but these chapters may well prove helpful for the women under discussion.

Very informative and helpful book for me. I was given insights into behaviors and communications that I never really understood or trusted. Now I know why.

Zal ik ooit genoeg goed genoeg zijn. Helen van een door narcisme verstoorde moeder-dochter relatie. Door Karyl McBride.

Geschreven door een therapeute met 28 jaar ervaring, vooral met slecht functionerende gezinnen, die daarnaast ook praktijkervaring heeft als dochter van een narcistische moeder. Ze weet dus goed waarover ze praat en dat merk je.

Ik denk al langer dat ik een narcistische moeder heb en dat heeft dit boek voor mij bevestigd. Fijn is die bevestiging niet maar het mooie is dat dit boek je een uitweg biedt, door te werken aan jezelf want je moeder verandert toch niet.

In 3 delen wijst McBride je de weg: in deel 1 (herkennen van het probleem) toont ze je wat het probleem is en hoe je het kan herkennen. In deel 2 leer je hoe je door je moeder beïnvloed bent. En in deel 3 leer je loskomen van je ‘nalatenschap’. Het leest als een stappenplan bij rouw, er zijn verschillende fases en elke fase moet je door. Vooral de tweede fase in deel 3 (het verwerken van de gevoelens/rouw) is heel belangrijk en daar hamert McBride echt op. Ze legt ook uit dat dit de moeilijkste stap is maar als je die overslaat bereik je uiteindelijk niets. Voor je aan dat deel in het boek begint duidt ze al op het belang, wat een beetje overkomt als zichzelf wapenen tegen teleurgestelde lezers die zich na het lezen van dit boek niet geheeld voelen. Maar als je effectief dit deel leest begrijp je haar hameren. Hier draait het ook echt om.

Door middel van duidelijke theorieën, stappenplannen en veel praktijkvoorbeelden van cliënten krijg je een volledig beeld van wat het hebben van een narcistische moeder allemaal inhoudt. Vooral de getuigenissen van de vele andere dochters raakten me. Ze waren zo herkenbaar (het ontkennen, liegen, jaloers zijn, hoofdpijn hebben,…) en het gevoel niet alleen te staan doet zo deugd. Want vergis je niet: zeggen dat je moeder geen goede moeder is/was, is en blijft taboe. De herkenning, de tips en tricks; zo boeiend en hartverwarmend.
Ik heb ongeveer de helft van dit boek onderlijnd, dat zegt genoeg hé…

I'm thankful for the book, and the focus being on the daughter's experience than whether or not the mother is actually narcissistic (with the explanation that because NPD is one end of the spectrum, narcissistic tendencies still impact the parenting style and focus).

I was able to appreciate that I am good enough, now and always. The book helped me to recognize it, even if I still have my doubts from time to time.½

Going through a divorce is challenging, but riding the tides of a high conflict divorce with a mentally ill spouse is nearly impossible. Each day throughout tedious court proceeding, one finds themselves facing new battles that make the one they loved seem like a monster. The spouse that was once considered a possible soul mate is finally revealed to be little more than an animal. This book is a wonderful guide through the ups and downs of divorce when dealing with a person who is mentally unstable. A person that suffers from one of the cruelest and most common mental health disorders known as Narcissism. Those that battle a narcissist in the court room find themselves verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically attacked by their former partner. Power struggles are a constant issue as the former lover seeks revenge for imagined wrongs that never happened. Psychosis sometimes occurs as the partner that filed for divorce struggles to maintain his or her sanity, as they watch the person attempt to destroy them and their children. This book is a wonderful tool that protects the person fighting the narcissistic partner. The court system is not familiar with the newly officiated illness and most sufferers use the court to their digression to abuse their victims. I found myself using this book this last year when I had to file for divorce from my abusive spouse. It has been incredibly helpful and has allowed me to keep a few steps ahead when dealing with my ex. In a way when you are dealing with a narcissistic (mine was also bipolar) partner, the world is put on pause. You find yourself fighting the unstable partner so often that you are not able to get anything done. That is where I found myself. I was not able to enjoy books, go to school, or basically have a life. My ex tortured me through the court system. It was with the help of a good lawyer and books such as these, that I was finally able to show the judge how abusive and unstable my ex could be. I strongly recommend this book for those that are being tortured or manipulated by an unstable spouse. If you need to file for divorce, please do. Don’t be like me and wait several years and tolerate abuse because you feel trapped or scared. There are places to go and resources such as these that can tell you how to get out and stay safe. It is worth it; I am now finally living and my kids are safe. I realize I should have done this about 4 years ago.

Yikes, sorry that some people have to go through so much :(

It's hard to give an objective review of a book with such a personal subject matter, but I will say that I think it provided a good overview to of the topic, and that the author "gets it", that is, what it is like growing up with a mother who offers insufficient love, warmth and empathy. It got me thinking about things that had come up in my life but not in therapy, and led to several useful discussions that may have kick-started some healing processes. That said, it is not comprehensive enough to be a real-self help guide, unless one's mother only sort-of has narcissistic tendencies, but provides a solid basis either to begin the process of understanding your own life, or the life of a daughter you know.

What an incredible book. The author's clinical and personal experience with the phenomena of narcissism was so very helpful to me. The discussion was balanced and loving of both mothers and their daughters. I am 68 years old and have struggled with these issues all my life. Reading this book was a break through for me and has assisted in healing these wounds at long last. Thank you Dr. McBride