Heard this was great for those who parent boys. Have not started yet.

I love reading books like this. Even if all of the chapters don't apply to my children, I find that exposure to other people's thinking helps me consider my interactions with my kids in new and useful ways.

Dr. Rao's credentials, by the way, are excellent, as is his writing ability. He communicates clearly, and I have to admit I found what he had to say reassuring. It's nice to know boys as a group do these things.

Highly recommend this book as a way to understand boy-world. ( )

29. The Way of Boys : Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World (iBook) by Anthony Rao & Michelle D. Seaton (2009, 267 pages, read June 9 – July 4)

This was an Early Reviewer in 2009 that caught my interest and that I added to my wishlist. I didn't win the book, but recently when we were looking for books on young (and impossible) boys, I actually remembered this book. We chose it over several other options and bought a copy through ibooks.

The first two chapters are absolutely brilliant and have changed the way I look at and handle my almost 5-year-old son. It's in these chapters that Rao (Seaton only assisted Rao with the writing, she is not a child or parenting expert) introduces how boys are different than girls. Young girls tend to do this very normal thing, they look at you and try understand what you are saying, studying all the visual and verbal clues, and they become adept early on in understanding and communicating. Boys generally don't do this. They don't look you in eye, they don't pay attention to any of your body language, and couldn't care less about what you are saying. They aren't interested in communicating, but instead in other spacial/physical kinds of things. So, getting boys to pay attention is really frustrating and makes parents like me (and even our pre-school teacher, who we happen to adore) think about ADHD. Rao has found that it makes parents and teachers think regular healthy boys are "aspergy" and even leads to psychologists over-diagnosing ADHD and prescribing medicine (which affects these boys' natural development).

I'm probably exaggerating if I say that Rao saved my sons life, but I haven't killed him, and both my wife and I have changed how I deal with him. In the meantime, he's turned a corner and improved significantly in his own listening. There is nothing wrong with the rest of the book. The other chapters just tend to focus in on various specific things. All useful, but not world-changing like those first two chapters.

This book also has me thinking again on male and female authors and how much these difference in childhood affect the adults and their writing. For some time now I've been convinced that men and women do in fact tend to write differently and tend to focus on different things, but I haven't figured out what exactly those different things are, or how to describe the differences I think I do see...and I certainly don't have an argument to present.

2011
http://www.librarything.com/topic/120136#2843640 ( )

I read this book as part of the Library Thing Early Reviewers program. As a parent of a boy I found it interesting to see a book written from the perspective of child development in boys. I bristled some at some of the assumptions that seemed to be based on gender roles, but Rao did a good job of explicating the actual developmental differences between boys and girls. These differences unfortunately are leading a lot of boys to be labeled as ADD or Aspergery where Rao contends that they are perfectly fine. Rao's writing contains a lot of comforting suggestions and tips for activities and life skills for parents to help boys navigate through childhood. I recommend reading it if are raising a boy of your own.

Favorite Passages:

Sensing the emotions of others is a kind of listening. The little boy who is careening through the house, hungry for things to touch and take apart, isn't listening to your words or watching your nonverbal cues. His strong emotions are ringing so loudly in his own head that he doesn't notice yours. To the extent that he can sense your anger, he might see it as something to play with or test. For him to register your anger, it usually has to be off the charts, and no one likes to be that kind of parent. - p. 95

Let them cheat. It's a good thing, in fact, for boys (or girls) this age to gain self-esteem from winning. They still have plenty of time to learn about strict rules and turn taking later. At these ages, the point is that they are gaining a sense of mastery, having fun, and spending time with others. - p. 110

( )

I wondered how Rao’s analysis would differ from stereotypes of boy vs girl behavior, and though the authors never addressed it explicitly, my answer to that question is:

• A percentage of boys (and a smaller percentage of girls) do behave pretty much like the stereotype of the rough and tumble, hands-on, control-driven boy. These kids don’t respond readily to restrictions or discussions on what to do or not do, they’re wired to explore and actually driven by their body and brain to push the envelope and learn experientially. They can learn social norms, but in their own way & on their own schedule.
• It is key is to know whether a child is in this group, or not. It is also key to understand the most effective approach to teaching kids in this group.
• Wait and see, curtailing the child’s approach only when dangerous to self and others. Medication and diagnoses have their place but are frequently premature, and given too early in a child’s life.
• Often the worst behavior signals a pending breakthrough in cognitive development, or in a child’s self control. The storm before the calm.

Rao offers several guidelines when addressing behavior concerns (socialization, temper due to frustration or anxiety):
• Think of the child as a scientist, exploring how the world works. Shaping the child's behavior is possible by simply showing cause and effect: there are consequences for what the child does, not just what is done physically but also socially or emotionally or conversationally. To set boundaries and guide behavior, respond to transgressions with a clear, consistent consequence and reaffirm it in brief words. "You hit your friend, so he went home."
• Time Out is primarily to remove the attention of adults or others, not to punish. It might help to remove the child from the context precipitating the unwanted behavior, but that was not the original intent by the graduate student who devised it (Time Away) as a method for helping an autistic boy learn social interaction.
• Boys like to compete, and like to win. Initially, they are so driven they will cheat. At the early stages, allow the boy to win and build their esteem / confidence by experiencing winning. Later, use above techniques to constrain cheating or gamesmanship or poor sportsmanship. "I never win this game, so I'm going to stop playing. Perhaps we can play something else."
• Don't tell a boy how to feel when winning or losing, but share how you feel when losing, etc.
• Provide clear rules and consequences for not following them. When visiting relatives: "Say hello to everyone. No hitting. If you hit, we're going home immediately." And follow through on it, dispassionately.
• Testing (for ADHD / ADD, autism spectrum, etc) isn't effective or reliable before age 6. Resist it.
• Three tenets: (1) clear rules and boundaries (2) consequences before lectures (3) rewards for each milestone

Overall, I found this instructive but not great. I'm left wondering: To what extent are the conclusions / recommendations based upon evidence (i.e. EBP)? Rao not clear in stating this except in rare instances. And how is Rao's behavior shaping inherently different from brainwashing or Skinner's Walden Two? Clearly Rao's arguments are meant to be benevolent (but then, so were Skinner's). ( )