“What is the good of pretending to be what you are not? Well, even on the human level, you know, there are two kinds of pretending. There is the bad kind, where the pretense is there instead of the real thing; as when a man pretends he is going to help you instead of really helping you. But there is also a good kind, where the pretense leads up to the real thing.” C.S. Lewis

I just finished Love Your Enemies by Arthur C. Brooks and I can't think of a better book for us to read as Americans right now.

Yes, I know you're going to recommend to me a lot of books about systemic racism, or how shame is bad, or why we aren't responsible for what other people do, or something else that's a panacea to what's going on right now, and you're all correct. Those are probably good books to add to the conversation, as well. I'll read them (or, at least try. There is only so much time).

But Love Your Enemies is different. It doesn't presume to have all the answers, and it doesn't think much about calls to "return to civility," either (for example, Brooks says your friends would say you needed marriage therapy if you said you and your spouse were "civil" with each other. It's a pretty low bar, he says). It doesn't even think we need to agree. In fact, Brooks argues in Love Your Enemies that competition, especially of ideas, is important and critical.

What it does argue is that we need to stop holding each other in contempt because we disagree or are different from each other. We need to stop demonizing our opponents and adversaries. We need to start recognizing that even when we disagree about the policy, most of the time--if not all of the time--we share a love and a desire to make things better, to improve the lives of Americans. When we frame our conversations as debates about how to reach an outcome that is in our common interest, a discussion about the what instead of the why, then we can begin to have healthy and honest discussions again.

I am sure that I am failing to give this book the thrift it deserves, so just take a moment and go get it at the library, listen to an audio version, or pick it up from the bookstore. It's short, it's thought-provoking, and, honestly, its call for love over contempt even as we continue to debate the best way forward on tough issues might be the most radical thing we can do right now.

And if we can't love our enemies, maybe we can, as I opened with this quote from C.S. Lewis, at least pretend until the pretense becomes real. ( )

As far as I’m concerned this should be considered obvious, common-sense human decency. But obviously it isn’t. Well written, I think a bit better than Van Jones’ “Beyond the Messy Truth” which I’d put in exactly the same category. But both books would be perfectly understandable to a high school student, I think - I’d like to read something in this vein that was just a bit deeper.

All that being said, I sure wish I lived in a world where a greater percentage of politicians, pundits, and other leaders subscribed to the ideas in these books. ( )

Brooks has done it again. This is brilliant in its coverage of trolls, the reasoning behind 2016 election (cue the trauma! but it's okay because he helps you deal), and how to deal with the corrosive climate others have created. If you only read one Arthur Brooks, but why would you want to stop at one?, make this the one!

I have loved Brooks ever since I heard him speak on giving at a school Forum. Hopefully that never changes. If this is his last book (he makes it sound like it is) way to go out with a bang! ( )

Arthur Brooks writes a much-needed and accessible book for the individual seeking to be part of the solution to the canyons of mutual disregard that divide us, canyons widened by and for the powerful in media, politics, and anger.

I recommend it heartily. Brooks is a business conservative, a religious man, a humanist, and a rebel. In sum, he is a man in full who takes his own medicine.

He offers the following:

How each person can help make national healing happen:

1. Find a friendship with someone you can have productive, respectful disagreements.
2. “Don’t attack or insult. Don’t even try to win.”
3. “Never assume the motives of another person.”
4. “Use your values as a gift, not a weapon.”
P. 185-199

Five rules to subvert the culture of contempt:

1. ”Stand up to the Man. Refuse to be used by the powerful.... [B]e the person who gently defends those who aren’t represented, even if you disagree with them.”
2. “Escape the bubble. Go where you’re not invited, and say things people don’t expect.” Seek common ground. Tell your story.
3. “Say no to contempt. Treat others with love and respect, even when it’s difficult.”
4. “Disagree better. Be part of a healthy competition of ideas.”
5. “Tune out: Disconnect more from the unproductive debates....Obliterate your silos by listening, reading, and watching media on the ‘other side.’ Get rid of your curated social media feeds....Resolve to pay attention to ideas, not just politics.” P. 201-212 ( )

This message can't get out there enough. If there is one idea with which the whole of my being resonates, it is that compassion and understanding are the way forward from the current unspeakable mess that we have lately made of this country, which is the shame of my generation.

Brooks' message has a lot in common with that of my boyfriend* Jonathan Haidt, of THE RIGHTEOUS MIND and THE CODDLING OF THE AMERICAN MIND. In fact he quotes and draws on Haidt's words and research. I recommend the above as companion volumes, particularly RIGHTEOUS MIND.

I will be looking out for Brooks' column in the Washington Post from now on.

* Jonathan Haidt is not actually my boyfriend. I use this term whenever I am madly in love with a particular author's work. ( )