I expected a very different book than this is. I expected a book about being empathetic and why it's important to be empathetic. What actually happened was a book that did discuss several people who have affected the lives of others through their empathy but also a lot about science, mental health, and technology related to empathy. Not a bad thing, just different. And I did learn quite a bit so bonus!

I received the audiobook from the publisher through NetGalley. ( )

hmmm. tricky, this one.

the TL;DR version: interesting and complex idea, poorly executed.

while very different, as i was reading goldman's book i found myself often thinking about the experience i had reading the memoir with or without you, by domenica ruta. in particular, this thought:

"...on one side: a writer who has had experiences that suck and emerges triumphant (or some reasonable facsimile thereof). on the other side: a story driven by ego."

the purpose to goldman's book is the concern that, after 35 years as an E.R. doctor, he's become insulated from feeling or displaying empathy for his patients, and that his ability to show compassion is gone. out of this concern, goldman begins to learn about empathy through both scientific and psychological perspectives, as well as through first-hand global experiences of extreme empathy in action.

on its surface, this sounds great. and especially so now, for those of us in the western world - thanks to social media, every day is a new bombardment of bad news, terrible behaviour, cruelty, threats and attacks, and challenges against systemic safeguards of personal rights and freedoms. it's a heavy era for everyone. for those with heightened empathy and sensitivity, maintaining these traits and exerting them has, perhaps, become more difficult. for those highly attuned to others, how do we continually muster enough for everyone who is in need?

in its execution, however, goldman's book was a slog. i did not feel goldman was effective in bridging his personal crisis with his study of empathy. instead of the feeling of pursuing a curiosity to gain a better understanding and/or change behaviours, the book felt very ego-driven, with goldman centring himself at every step. he certainly met some lovely, kind people along his way - it was interesting learning about them and how they choose to exist in the world. it is reassuring to read about regular people just doing their thing. truly, the people profiled in this book are excellent humans, but are they exceptional? i don't think so - which is both great: it's in reach for everyone, and sad: have we really come to a point in time where the basics of kindness and empathy being shown are the exception, not the norm? (i'd like to think not... yet here we are even considering the question.)

there were a few experiences goldman had that stood out for me:

a) seeing roots of empathy in action - this is a nonprofit organization geographically located very close to where i live. i've known about this wonderful organization for years and it is rewarding to know how much it has grown, globally, because of the efforts (initially) of one woman, mary gordon. i feel i would have been better off reading her book, Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child, so it's now on my reading list.

b) witnessing the positive results of validation therapy in a care home for people living with dementia. apparently a controversial method, as goldman explains it in this book, it seems a kinder, gentler approach to handling the confusion and challenges of dementia. care staff are not lying to patients or repeating the same unhelpful responses over and over again; rather, they use redirection or distraction to change the course of the concerns. for example, if a widow is experiencing agitation, wanting to know where his wife is, when she will arrive, and when he can go home, a staff member might ask what they are missing about their wife at the moment, or what they want to tell her if she was here. the do not say things like, 'you live here now. she died and is no longer here.' the hope is a a more content person who experiences a lessening of the distress symptoms dementia causes. (the new yorker ran a longread feature on dementia care in late-2018, if you're interested.)

my takeaway from reading this book is that while the idea of empathy is super interesting to me, and is a very complex human quality, goldman's execution of his work here is clunky and simplistic, with a clichéd nod to the wizard of ozat its close. bummer. ( )