Book title and author: Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss. Reviewed 9/24/23

Why I picked this book up: after winning the Workbook for Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss back in July or August 2023 I really wanted to read the actual book so bought this one and am happy I did.

Thoughts: This author did life and death negotiations while mine are nothing close to that but he did cover things that were up my alley as a psychologist. He correctly pointed out “Listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.” People want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing. It begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin. This book did a splendid job teaching the importance of navigating crucial conversations with impact. With the right techniques, we can find win-win situations. Active Listening, Asking Open Questions, Showing Empathy, and Summarizing. He shows The importance to embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life. Listening. Listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do. It begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.

Good negotiators are ready for surprises; great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist. The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want. The latter will help you discover the former.

Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM). The model proposes five stages—active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change—that take any negotiator from listening to influencing behavior.

Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.

Create a Subtle Epiphany
The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually “That’s right.”

You don’t want to hear “You’re right.”

This indicates they see the solution as yours, not theirs.

Negotiation is about finding irrational blind spots, hidden needs, and undeveloped notions.

Don’t Compromise

Deadlines are often arbitrary, almost always flexible, and hardly ever trigger the consequences we think—or are told—they will.

As a negotiator, you should always be aware of which side, at any given moment, feels they have the most to lose if negotiations collapse.

People trust those who are in their in-group. Belonging is a primal instinct. And if you can trigger that instinct, that sense that, “Oh, we see the world the same way,” then you immediately gain influence.

Bottom line: People who expect more (and articulate it) get more.

Embrace Conflict
People generally fear conflict, so they avoid useful arguments out of fear that the tone will escalate into personal attacks they cannot handle.

Embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life.

More than a little research has shown that genuine, honest conflict between people over their goals actually helps energize the problem-solving process in a collaborative way.

With the style of negotiation taught in the book—an information-obsessed, empathic search for the best possible deal—you are trying to uncover value, period. Not to strong-arm or to humiliate.

Decades of goal-setting research is clear that people who set specific, challenging, but realistic goals end up getting better deals than those who don’t set goals or simply strive to do their best.

There are fill-in-the-blank labels that can be used in nearly every situation to extract information from your counterpart, or defuse an accusation:

It seems like _________ is valuable to you.

It seems like you don’t like _________.

It seems like you value __________.

It seems like _________ makes it easier.

It seems like you’re reluctant to _________.

Effective negotiators look past their counterparts’ stated positions (what the party demands) and delve into their underlying motivations (what is making them want what they want).

Never forget that a loss stings at least twice as much as an equivalent gain.

Why I finished this read: all of the above reasons and it was fun seeing psychology in action.

Stars rating: 5 of 5 as it covered what I was looking for and I enjoyed it that much. ( )

A practical, easy to read negotiation book that looks at negotiation from a different angle than normal business books. It contains lots of great stories to demonstrate the key points, although I did feel at times that some of the stories were been told as a bit of an ego boost for the author and there was some repetition. It has definitely given me lots of things to consider, putting them into action is however the hard part and I have already pulled myself up on how I have approached some situations. Well worth reading. ( )

This was an eye opening book and from my standards an excellent one compared to other negotiation books I've read. the main difference with others is the wealth of practical, synthesized examples from years' worth of high stakes, life or death negotiation experience. Above all human nature is key in this topic, and emotion is what ultimately drives our decisions. Chris Voss connects these truths to actionable yet simple tactics and a framework that I am completely sure will help any of us if applied. Definitely a stand out book. ( )

https://benkaboo.wordpress.com/2017/08/28/book-review-never-split-the-difference... ( )

Full of useful and actionable advice. Can see why it’s such a popular book. ( )