A toddler is a cross between a sociopath, a rabid animal, a cocker spaniel, a demon, and an angel.

Be sure to jot down whatever antidepressants you’re taking and the dosage in your child’s baby book. When she looks back on her milestones, she’ll also see the damage she did to your mental health. Hopefully, this will inspire her to major in something serious like biology or political science rather than ceramics, so she’ll be able to take care of you the way you deserve. No one ever made millions handcrafting clay pots. It’s her turn to foot the bill.

Toddlers can go from laughing to crying to screaming in a matter of seconds. There is no point in trying to keep up with their tsunami of emotions, because as you’re addressing one, the next one is already revving up to drown you. When you get overwhelmed by your toddler’s feelings, it’s best just to find a quiet corner where you can hug your knees and rock back and forth. Sing a pretty, sad song like “The Rose.” You can even make up your own tune. My favorite is “I Used to Have Dreams.” After a few minutes your kid will seek you out, sit on your head, and fart, but at least you tried. This is called yoga.

Three-year-olds have only one goal: to make you look like a bitch-ass punk in public. Once you know this, you’ll pick your battles. Pick none of them. Don’t engage in arguments with a three-year-old, because if you’re yelling or explaining, they’ve already won. Three-year-olds are power-hungry despots who take pleasure in seeing you become unhinged.

There’s a reason toddlers are at peak cuteness. It’s because Nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave him there with a note that says, “I’m a little shit and they couldn’t take it anymore.”

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